Sooooo ... here's my little story.

I've had a crush on my therapist for a while now but it's getting stronger and I may have to bring it up in session sooner or later. It was originally just a mild notice of her being pretty and kind- lucky me for finding a cute one, right? I had a mild crush. No big deal.

Then one day ran into her at a coffee shop. She was there with with her family— and no visible partner (I have no idea if she's married or not, I think not - but that's moot.) I saw her first, but was not going to bother her. I thought I might nod if we make eye contact - but I was with my S.O. and just kind minding my own. Then we crossed paths while I was waiting for our drinks and she said hello and asked how I was (her family was sitting away at their table.) I was sooooo thrilled My T bothered to say hello that I momentarily misread what she had said to me. She said I looked "good!" I said thanks and we made some awkward mindless chatter about nothing significant— like the new paint color on the walls of this place. Meanwhile, my mind ran away with "You look good" for several minutes before I later realized she wasn't talking about my style or my body—*but my health. You see, I was recovering from a serious illness at this time and I had been ill before my last session with her. She actually meant I looked well.

'Oh, Boy'. I thought later on. 'Where is my mind?'

I also couldn't help but obsess over the brief glimpse of her 'real life'; how old her kids were, what she was wearing, how cute her style was, and the awkward (on my part) interaction we had, and I really wanted to believe that she specifically came over to that side of the shop —just to check on me ... but no probably not. It was just coincidence.

A couple weeks later, I had The Dream:
In my dream was at my T's "other job" (which my mind made up) and I was doing some kind of household chore for her. She walked into the room, saw me, and walked back out - seemingly irritated. Then she came back and walked over to me, and asked politely, what I was doing there. I could tell she was like "WTF" so we went into the hallway to chat and, well, from there I'm too embarrassed to say what happened. I woke up quick.
When I woke up, I was thinking how funny it was that My T, who is always dressed nicely, was so dressed down for this dream job. I was thinking 'wow, she was so not that attractive for that kind of dream' ... but then I realized— she was wearing my Mother's style.

I had to laugh at my subconscious. How textbook is that for maternal erotic transference?

It's funny to me but I'm embarrassed to say that I'm now obsessed over what this is all about and having to fight off the daily fantasies with a stick. I waver between amusement and self-flagellation (metaphorically speaking) not because I think it's 'wrong' or even 'weird' (Well maybe a little but there are worse things in life) but because it feels disrespectful to her. I am highly aroused but thoughts I have. My real fear is that it might be intruding on my own progress. Instead of figuring myself out, I am obsessing over this image of "her" and who she might be.

The interesting thing about all this are the issues it's all bringing up. So this might not be such a bad thing.

I realize that I have some lingering internalize homophobia. Despite being happily out lesbian for many years there's still some part of me that assumes other people will shame me for it— and some people have. That's real life for gay people, though.

I'm also thinking of past experiences with crushes. I used to get crushes a lot in my younger years— esp. teacher crushes. I've been thinking alot about how I handled them and what affect they had on me. I used to love them- then I had a bad experience with one, and I think it shamed me quite a bit. I'm learning a lot on that angle.

Beyond all that might be some really deeply buried stuff about my Mom and that's what's really gonna be difficult to get at.

(deep breath....)