[MIGHT BE TRIGGERING SO TRIGGER WARNING]

Right.

So I am back in this rut, and I don't know what I should do..

I know myself that I need hospitalisation, that it's the best place to be at the moment.... but its the peak of submissions and finals are soon... the ward I am always admitted to do permit laptops and internet, so technically I can finish my assignments. But the thing is is that this ward gets full easily and the other option is a place that does not permit laptops or books...

My family is another problem. Instead of looking at me struggling so long on my own and acknowledging it, they start blaming me instead. That all of this is my fault. That what I am doing angers them. That hospitalisation isn't necessary. That other people in the hospital are trying their best to live ....

This isn't the first time hospitalisation has entered my mind this year. I am amazed how much I hold back just because of family. I have been out for a year-ish, and ... yeah. Self-sacrificial, I know. I always have to negotiate with my pdoc to not inform family about ANYTHING because I will get those remarks which will just make me dig a deeper hole to escape from it.

It's been two times since I attempted it (and failed, didn't get medical help either.. just stuck out with the aftereffects of headache, muscle aches etc) for the past week.. and I am seeing pdoc soon.

I am not sure what should I do. To tell pdoc, and face the repercussions? Or be self-sacrificial.. the caring, thoughtful herethennow I am?

I don't know whether I should feel scared of what I am capable of doing next even. I didn't feel any tingle of regret on the attempts.

I am just tired.
Of everything. Of depression. Of having to think of family's comeback whenever I feel down. Of denying things.

Maybe I should start becoming a robot with no feelings.

I have work in a few days (which I usually enjoy) and it requires meeting new people. For this round, I dread it so much. I don't want to go.