actually....like everything else i deal with...it seems i can understand all of these issues logically. thus far over the past 3 years, my therapist and i have been able to lay out the "truth" of most things in a "logical" way.

but i can't "get it" emotionally.

metaphorically, it is like the "logical truths" are laying in a row at my feet, but i'm so emotionally paralyzed and my sight is so hazy and i'm so "nauseated" by the emotional parts of me that I can't reach down and pick them. I see them, but can't "get them" emotionally, even though they are like an inch away.

and there seems to be something at my "core self" that won't let me "get it" emotionally -- it feels like a part of me won't let me get "deep enough in" (especially due to the barriers brought by my stunningly complicated defense system) to get an understanding of why i can't get things emotionally.

it is interesting about physical touch and closeness in the office with my therapist. sometimes i want her close and others i want her as far away as possible (the latter was more prevalent a month or two before my break). i recall during some sessions i have felt a disconnect from her and her approach felt more "clincial and sterile" when she was in her chair and I was in mind, as compared to a few moments later when she'd move closer to do some "EMDR" work, and when she'd talk and when she was closer her voice would be softer and the "clinical and sterile" therapist would be gone. We both are aware that when she starts to talk about things in a "clincial" way that my mind starts to shut down.