Sunrise and Lemon-- I need to thank you. You have helped me realize something extremely important.

First-- Congratulate yourselves for for being at a level of emotional health in which you can reciprocate your therapists' feelings for you. To be able to honestly say that you think of your Ts as companions-- and you truly want them to be happy-- is a wonderful thing.

Based on what you have said, combined with what I said about my T having an evil wife that he wants to get away from-- leads to realize and accept that I actually yearn for my T to be unhappy. I am trying to figure out why this is. Part of me thinks that it is because if he is happy, then he is separate from me. I am unhappy, so he has to be unhappy. The only acceptable thing would be for us to either be happy together, or unhappy together.

I need to tell him this today. I don' t know if I am brave enough. If I tell him about the conclusion I came to, I obviously can't do that without letting him know where it came from-- thus letting him know how him being married bothers me. Ugh. But this is way too big of an insight to skip over just because I am embarrassed.

And I am done with projection, in this case-- i.e., saying, "Well, he won't be able to handle this. It will be too uncomfortable for him." When in fact that it is me that can't handle it, me that will be uncomfortable.

So that makes two majorly important things I need to talk with him about today:

1. My emotional reaction/trigger to being on the mood d/o unit during the 1st day of my internship
and
2. The realization that I want him to be unhappy. That I hate his wife, who may be a source of emotional happiness for him. That if I am unhappy in my life, and he is happy, then that is a major disconnect.

Deep breath.