Hi Fuzzy, as for the bullies and abusers when you were younger.........well that doesn't need to mean in the slightest that you were unlikable..........it doesn't have to be about the person being abused or bullied at all..........the flaw's/the fault's are with the people who did the bullying/abusing. Their insecurities, their problems, their need to exert power over someone/anyone, their need to hurt someone/anyone..............whatever it was it was about them.
And being anxious, being quiet, being anything never justifies abuse or bullying.
And not fighting back when you were attacked is completely understandable........if you're intimidated, feeling powerless, you've been made to feel worthless.........but you know maybe not fighting back could have been pretty smart as well.........who knows maybe it could have been worse for you if you did. But either way.........you were NOT stupid!!!
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that though
The not having many friends/pushing people away in real life............well it is good that you're identifying what you feel is a problem to you and you definitely have the capacity to accept/value people regardless of flaw's...........look how amazing you are to us on here!!!
So maybe you could build on that in real life???
But I don't necessarily think that quantity of friends matters that much, what matters much more is the quality of friends, what really counts.
And hey, you have lots of friends on here to make up for the quantity bit anyway!!!
Still, I'd say that you could still change your life a little if that's what you truly want around that.........like I said you definitely have the capacity..........it might not be easy but........small steps, hey???
Alison