I see my therapist on Friday, and then he is on leave for a month. Again. He just had 4 weeks off.........

This is an awful time of year for me, and suddenly my anxiety is welling up. I have shakes, tight chest...and didn't know why. Then suddenly it hit me, I don't feel safe over this period with him gone. He was there last year and was so kind and supportive.

I am worried how I will cope with my entire family being around for Christmas. This is the first time since I was 13/14 they have all been together, first time ever as adults with children of our own........ I have been avoiding thinking about memories that surfaced much earlier this year(completely blocked them out since they happened as a kid, and since resurfacing) about what one brother did. I just don't know if I can face this......

And the anniversary of a rape too to deal with on NYE.......

This also triggers all of these super needy feelings, needing my therapist, which is wrong and bad and not allowed.

And I don't know how to tell my therapist I am sooooooooo disappointed he is having more time off, deserting me at a terrible time, which feels like being abandoned. And yet weirdly, I want to give him a homemade gift for the first time..........why??