You have been through an EXTREME emotional situation. YES, you are allowed to be REELING emotionally from it. That DOES NOT MEAN you need to place yourself in someone else's hands at this moment. If you go into the care of another facility or person soon, they cannot guarentee to response with what you need right now.

BREATH.

again.

= = = again.

OK, now who knows you best? Thats right, you do. Next is your husband, with your pdoc after that. Now, you can trust yourself. I know that sounds like a completly crazy statement. But you really can. Your a good person right? You attempt to be fair to your husband in your house, you work within the system trying to get your meds right. Your not mean to people when you do have to interact with them? Thats right, your doing okay.

Now, lets just set aside what people at that previous facility did or didn't do. Frankly, they really don't care about you or your situation - so what they think or wrote doesn't matter. Your pdoc will help your paperwork get straightened out.

For a little while, just getting back into the routine you have had at home will help. Ease back into that familiar situation. Try to remember to do little things for yourself and your husband around the house that makes it the haven you desire.

In the future, perhaps you can go to another facility that will be prepared ahead of time for you to come in. A better facility. A different one then a busy hospital.

For now, have you yet told yourself how FABULOUS you are to have made it through all of that? OH MY GOSH, you drove alone! You checked in. You dealt with all kinds of irregularities, and better or worse, got through them! That in itself is great steps, great progress!

Our bi-polar can become managable for some. But it is never going to be cured. Self acceptance and toleration are necessary keys for us to give ourself worth and respect. We each need that.

Your pdoc is convinced you need something specific. They may or may not be right. They to are just using their best guesses based on what we tell them. Always give full information to your support staff. Tell them everything, but remember the final trust must be placed in ourselves. If we know something is or is not right for us, be it medication or treatment, we must listen to ourselves and follow what we know is right before anyone else. Give yourself to no one. But trust those close to you who care - not who want to control, or manipulate - but those who accept and care. There are times when we must listen to someone else.

Perhaps this opportunity you have to re-evaluate yourself will help you to conclude that maybe you weren't as bad off as you seemed. You over came a lot. You are a good person. That situation clearly was wrong for what you need. You can hear yourself in deciding what you need.

Congratulations. You did great!

edit: basically I am talking to myself in this, you and I are so similar. I was agoraphobic. I went to a good place for 9 days. It didn't help as much as just time has. Although they did cover a lot of paperwork in groups that can aid. I threw it away after a few months of not looking at it. But, for awhile the ideas they put in my head were good. And it was nice to know that kind of place was there. I had an Ahrms worker for over 2 years. That was a great thing for getting me used to being out of the house. Have you looked into those? Insurance paid for it. I saw her once a week for 2 hours. We would go shopping and stuff together. She was fabulous. But after 5 years of talk therapy, and over 2 years of arhms, I was exhausted with judging myself. I said I had to take a break from talk therapy, and got rid of both of them. At least until I need them again. This for me is a time to step back and re-evaluate how far I have come, and where I want to get to. Now I just have my psychiatrist. I am relaxing more with not over-analysing every little thing I say. and last week when I went to the store, I had a moment of feeling like it was years ago when I liked myself. I felt relaxed, and normal. Not normal as in, no one knows I am nuts! Normal as in me, when I liked myself. Normal.

Never forget that meds can cause us to have more problems, mine meds have changed about 6 times over the past 6 years, until now finally I am on stuff that works for me. To be honest, when I started the Trilafon, and it lessened my delusions within the first week I was shocked. For years I had been trying to control my thoughts by learning more about myself via talk therapy. I was a little angry. Although the years with my counselor were needed, and taught me much. I think everyone with bi-polar should have some professional to help them through all the extra stuff we have to learn.

I got a bit sidetracked, but I hope what I said helped. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. <3

Best of luck to us all.