I've read a few of your posts, you have many of the symptoms of low self-esteem...perfectionism, beating yourself up, self-loathing. This is all normal, I know, I've been there. Not exactly where you are, everybodies experience of low self-esteem is unique to them but I can empathize with the way you feel.

Therapy can help although I never took any. What exactly are you doing to drag yourself out of the rut? If you're like I was there is always some external force that bring back down to earth with a horrible bang everytime you feel something good is happening.

Nothing changed for me until I finally understood that only I can infulence my fate and it was my responsibility to get myself out of the rut I was in because nobody or nothing else would. If you can find a way to get your head around that you'll be well on your way to being who you want to be and finally ridding yourself of most of these feelings that are currently plaguing you.