I feel for you, have you ever seen a therapist to possibly help you through this? Some areas also have grief support groups, whatever give it a try if you haven't.
It is a normal feeling to have feelings like you explained, with talking to a therapist or counsellar you may find some help with this, I wish you luck with this.
Losing a loved one, no matter of the cause is always a hard thing, breaks hearts, some go through anger, their are several emotions/phases of grief, and none have to follow any specific order, and there is no set time limit as to when you should stop grieving, everyone is different, everyone has different type of relationships to those who have passed on. Through my own personal experience, things come on like the news was just yesterday and then time goes by and I deal with my loss, there is no certain time I have set on myself, I just miss my loved one but tell myself this is the way it must be, we never know when our time is near so I try to live my life the best I can, I hold in my heart those who have gone before me, from losing them I have learned that life has different meaning, I appreciate the people in my life and the simple things, priorities change, things I once held so high have become meaningless, most material things have lost their luster, but the life of others are now gold to me

Please take care,
DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON