i think the answer to most of your questions is that you are acting like a classic borderline. i know dbt is a successful treatment. do you remember any of the skills from when yu took it before? there are workbooks out there until you can get into a group. i really dont know if saying if you want it bad enough you can change is an accurate statement because i wanted to get better from my illnesses real bad and that didnt help. there is a technique called STPA. think of a stop sign. before you do anything, respond to anything, think of the stop sign and think stpa instead..s=stop..meaning dont do anything right away...t=think..think about what you are doing and the consequences of those actions..play it all the way through and the different possibilitys. P=pause...take a minute to make sure you are making the right choice...a=act...if you are making the best choice,,,then act on it.....