Here are some things I just had to write (from notes past). I don't think anyone else around me have any of these problems. These are my everyday life experiences/rants, how I suffer daily...just for your enjoyment (inherent fearing that the reader's gonna ridicule me too):

When someone walks towards me I feel awkward. I look down or in an other direction or away from the person. That is how it is on the streets or outside. I don't want people to even look at me. I can't stand to maintain eye contact, in fact, I don't want to look at anyone for more than a brief moment that is unavoidable. To avoid attention. Can't stand being around a lot of people for long. Some sort of "physical pain" just happens unexpectedly because of them and I don't like that. Maybe it's because people don't feel natural to me, but like a different species. When they're not around, and I'm completely alone, I seem to finally get back to life in a very minimal way, otherwise I'm drained and broken. It is not 'happiness', but just a sense of solace or relief of finally being released from the pain or annoyance of others. A sense of liberation, if you will. It's like I can't enjoy life on any consistent level, and that's the only time when I can have a peace of mind...though even then, that does not last for too long.

I don't know if it was because of that, but after shopping (in the store that's just a couple of blocks away, lol, don't even have it in me to go very far) I've noticed that after coming home, it was like as if I ran a few kilometers. What's with the sweat? Other times the cold gets me so nicely that I feel I'm totally frozen. I really don't get this.

I'm so self-conscious that if I hear one little laugh I will automatically feel it was directed at me; about how awkward I am. Not just that, but I keep feeling that I'm being a conversation topic (even though in reality they probably don't talk about me but other things, yet I keep feeling it's about me)...Therefore, when I'm out in public I start to feel like everyone is noticing me and judging me. It's why I spend so much time hiding in a room all the time. Or is that an excuse? Yes, one loves excuses.

I just cannot find the strength I used to have. It 'feels' like I'm not even half of what I've used to be. It's all very exhausting. I have nothing to live for or nothing to look forward to. I never look forward to the next day because I know it's going to be exactly the same as everyday. Meaningless. Nothing changes. Usually, I'm just slacking through the day, not doing anything in particular. Everyday when I wake up I'm feeling of not wanting the day to happen and wishing I would not exist anymore. I often get late because of not wanting to go anywhere (reluctant). Nothing to look forward to or be excited about. Living the same day on repeat, and I don't feel any progression, but stagnation or withering instead - just getting worse day by day.

I've lost the ability to care about anything. When I do, I feel like I'm only faking it and not 'giving it my all'. That is why I don't care about the past hobbies anymore, just on a whim, and for a very little time. What helps me is trying to find a way to make myself care again, like that, but I just can't. I've tried only to realize that no matter what I'm doing, it does not mean much in the end to make me feel any better. I can't feel any sense of success or accomplishment or joy, regardless of the result. Memories also like to evade me, as I'm very forgetful of where do I put simple things or forget about events.

I've been constantly feeling just this huge emptiness and like I have no importance at all or like my life or even myself as a person doesn't matter. The great thing is that these thoughts are the only things left to remind me that I also exist. Things are too much work and no one understands the way I feel. But that's just as usual as everything else. Simply, I'm a ghost that just keeps observing things. Because I don't exist as a 'person', I can observe the world detached, and I still only feel that it's just a bad dream where good things are too brief and weak to last.

The only thing I feel arduously is misery and hopelessness. Total resignation, in other words. Sadness does not seem to be there anymore, been years since I've actually cried. At best, a tear is all. So yeah, I came to the conclusion that I'm beyond help, and no matter what I do, I will always be screwed. I am always trying yet still never getting anywhere.

There is this popular guy who keeps talking to me...sometimes, not often, just sometimes. Though I can't do much smalltalk...That's the latest situation where it's been proven how much I lack socially. I don't have anything to talk about and my mind just feels blank...except for those anxious thoughts, maybe. But not even those ones appear often anymore, just the physical pain. It's as if I have to literally force-these-thoughts and string-the-words-together one by one. Even here, writing this takes me hours of time, even days. For me, it's very difficult trying to come up with a response, so I'd rather just go for a simple yes or "is that so". I don't know what an adequate response would be. I don't know how to approach anyone (regardless of online or offline), and I don't even want to, so it's up to them to talk to me, if they'd like.

In the very end, I don't have opinions and I don't argue. No personality here. Not being able to express yourself is why I have started a dozen of projects (little games or other artist stuff) and left them unfinished or got rid of them as I couldn't continue. Do you understand what it's like to be vulnerable at all times? Completely exposed to this big bad world like a helpless baby...Or to be trapped in this mind and let it experience from a detached perspective? Such as I was being able to 'step outside' and see what this dude (myself) was doing at that moment. Stepped outside the body, or I thought I did...This is what happens when you're secluded from people for too long...

So the only thing I can say with certainty is that this life is all over. It could have been, but it wasn't. As if God had already played the few songs on my instrument and threw me away. So I became forgotten and broken. I'm already dead, yet I exist. And that is the way of this life...I'm still doing what I can, even in this "given up" state, but it's not much, actually...