After 20 years in therapy it was by accident that i found out i was borderline. I happened to read a report stating "the patient has chronic anorexia nervosa and long stand anxiety disorder. This is all with the context of a borderline personality organization"
I had been married for twenty years and had no idea i had this disorder. I didnt realise that I had been acting so irrationally for most of our married years. Perhaps had I known earlier I would have done things differently in my marriage and would still be married today. So now i find myself all alone, no husband, no children after twenty years of marriage with the label of "borderline" tattooed across my forehead. I have never felt so alone and frightened in my entire life. On one hand its helpful to know that i have this illness but on the other i tend to question my think all the time and sometime act and have the mentality of borderline. Im not me anymore, im simply another statistic, a sick and flawed person who cannot be helped. I feel as though no one takes me seriously anymore. Sometime i can even work out whats fact and whats fiction in my own head. I have to stop and think, am i being rational or is the borderline? I feel afraid of myself, as though my mind is not mine anymore. I dont have any control of my thinking. I dont trust myself to make decisions anymore. And worst still my husband has left me at the worst time ever. I feel so painfully alone and abandoned. So many feelings of pain that im not able to control them any longer. I feel as though im slowly going insane and see no future for myself. I had a home and a husband who did care about me and looked after me financially. Now I have nothing. Im battling to receive social security payments in order to live. Im so afraid of what is to become of me.....so very afraid and utterly alone....
My therapist doesnt help either. He treat me like a borderline person. Just telling me what he thinks i want to hear and offers me no real help or ways of being able to cope with my illness. I always leave his rooms feeling worse than when i came in. He makes me feel as though there is no hope for me. I know this because apparently my gp was concerned about my depression at one stage and my therapist told him words to the effect of "dont worry, she's always ringing up and complaining. if its not one thing its another with her".
No wonder i sensed that my gp didnt take me seriously anymore. That was NOT my borderline thinking, that definitely was the case. Now i just think of myself as a burden to society, a loser, im not a person anymore. Im a wretched waste of space on this planet who has been used and abused by the people i trusted the most. Where do i go from here? Im 53 years old and all alone....and and as angry and confused as all hell