TRIGGER ALERT. Thank you all for responding. It's been a damned hard hole to try and claw my way out of. I lost the plot after my youngest brother found life to hard to deal with. From then it was just a slippery slide down until I had a breakdown. After seeing my then doctor at the time I was diagnosed. I was 44 when this happened. Since then things have gone from bad to worse. My new doctor has had me referred onto community services in the end as versus DBT at one the hospitals. I hated DBT and the group I was in. I do have a new psychologist whom I will be meeting with at the end of January and specializes in both CBT and DBT. It's just nice to talk to someone who has walked a mile in your shoes and can relate to what I am saying. Since my brother's suicide and having my father say that to me about going to kill myself it's been difficult to stay sane. After my attempt I was not meant to last the night so my family were told to say their goodbyes to me. As I said before I crashed three times and got the paddles each time (boy did my body ache from that). So I guess there must be some reason I am still here. I just have to work ot in my head why it is. Thank you all for your wonderful posts. They touched me deeply as I thought no one would bother responding to a loser like me.