This might be a longish one, IZ. Not sure how I'll cope with replying because I've been awake for around 20 hours now and I'm ever so tired but don't really want to go to bed, at the same time as wanting to go to bed. Really, I'm feeling pretty awful. Perhaps I'm more isolated than ever and I can't stop worrying about the future (or my lack of having one) and my current financial situation.

What makes matters worse is my partner is having to see the doctor tomorrow for suspected mental health issues. I've always known he's very anxious - I often have to make phone calls for him, get bits from the shop for him and try to encourage him to get some help (unsucessfully). He never used to be like it though, it seemed to develop and gradually get worse around half a year or so ago. It's more like PTSD to me than anything, though the diagnoses the doctor is considering is along the lines of Generalised Anxiety Disorder and/or social anxiety. Once again, it's a pretty new development. Not brand new but he certainly didn't used to be like it. I'm hoping treatment works because I feel as though the person I love is slowly slipping away but worse, I'm in no place to be supportive to him right now.

His mum intervened today, and quit his job for him for health reasons. He's been happy there for a while but the prospect of going into work started making him depressed around the time his mum got unfairly dismissed from the same place. From what I heard, it isn't a nice environment and professionalism is something to be desired. I'm also struggling with work and I wish I ccould leave but my family are relying on me and I know that that won't be the resolve to my issues (not even close). I'm fed up in general and frankly I don't know what the CMHT can do for me the more and more I think about it. Always going to be screwed career wise and happiness wise for the rest of my life. The rollercoaster isn't even slightly enjoyable anymore, not even when I get a touch of hypomania.

Really I don't want to wake up in the mornings. There's too much to stress and be dismayed about. I suppose I don't have much to wake up for, or much to live for in fact. I'm just ticking away until I expire at the moment - whether that's in the near future or in 60 years time, childless and alone. Im sick of the noise, stress, boredom and contradictory never ending list of things I need to do. Managed to do some studying for my exams in March: 10 minutes worth.

Haven't heard anything else in regards to CMHT but I'm supposed to phone on Friday to check on the progress. Don't really see the point. I'm betting it'll take months to sort things out and I'm not sure I'll be breathing by then. Not sure if thats what I'm hoping, planning or merely considering as a possibility.

A positive (also a negative I suppose) is that I don't often get the eyes anymore. I'm always a few hours going to bed after the other half. I prefer the quiet and isolation I get at night. Gives me a chance to try to process these thoughts. Plus, getting into bed horrifies me. That's TOO much time to think - waiting for hours to fall asleep while lying in darkness with my eyes closed. Sleeping is another thing I'm not great at doing, except for when I shouldn't be doing it. Need a Quetiapine top up too. I don't like the side effects the next day though. I can always still feel it in the morning. The energy to clean up is also something I do not posess, therefore I delay having to do it as much as possible which means a late night.

Right now, PC is the only place I can turn to. Even if it's just to ramble and try and get some of the crap out of my head and onto white space. I can type for England, it seems.

But as usual IZ, seeing your posts always puts a smile on my face.
Hope all is well

TL;DR Not great