Thank you for your replies... I don't know that I had a "traumatic" childhood - more like my parents weren't happy with who I was, and both my parents and other kids said some pretty mean things to me. I guess I was either discouraged from complaining, or I just didn't know anyone "safe" to complain to, so as a result I guess I just held it in. Actually, I found some wonderful TV shows whose characters embodied the struggles that I thought I had. I could relate to them... In my entire life (even now) I really only pay attention to a few shows; far less than the "average" person who just watches everything. But each of my shows have brilliant writing and plot lines and I am very happy to have found them because they protected me when I was a kid.

I guess I got used to just holding it in, and even now I don't have anyone that I would feel "safe" showing my real self to. Maybe I can't accept my inner self because nobody finds value in it except for me? But shouldn't I be able to value myself without anyone's permission? Am I doomed to beating my head against this wall until... until when? forever? How do I find what I am looking for when I don't know what I'm looking for?