Yes, changing the present is a challenge. Understanding the past isn't about changing it, it's just meant to slowly realize the "whys" to how you developed as well as realize the things that were "not your fault", too. When someone has ADHD, it doesn't mean they are stupid or a failure either. What it does mean is they were expected to match up to an ideal they were not designed to match up to. It's not much different then a person who is short to think they are a failure because they can't play basket ball as well as taller individuals. When the reality is, this individual is going to be good at something else, something these taller individuals would not be good at. I have actually noticed that about everyone I know that has ADHD too, they tend to be gifted "in spite of".

What I have noticed in every one I have met is the one thing they are challenged with the most in secret is "low self esteem". However, the ongoing goal is "to overcome and command" too. It just tends to be misguided at times, which could have been different had they had the right understanding from the beginning. Unfortunately, that had been elusive and misunderstood, so, many of these individuals struggled and even, as in the case of my older brother were treated badly, punished for something that was not their fault.

When I finally went to an AA meeting to support my husband, I would say that "most" of the others in these rooms struggled with ADHD unknowingly. And they experienced dysfunction, because it is hereditary so they had a parent who also struggled and either sought relief from alcohol as well, or was abusive in some way. The room was filled with some gifted people though, many builders and individuals that tended to need perfection and were easily frustrated inside with that excess energy they could not seem to harness completely. Most of them especially struggled in "high school" too.

My husband was 35 when I finally had to put my foot down and he went to his first AA meeting. Most of the individuals that finally take that path tend to be older before they just hit bottom and finally reach out for help. My husband was lucky because he had found some really good and wise mentors to help him stay on track and deal with his challenges one day at a time. When he talks about these individuals, how they did help him was to learn how to slow down and manage that "need" that tends to come with ADHD. I think about the way these individuals supported each other, and not realizing that they were actually supporting each other "because of" that challenge that was the main root to why they got into that toxic way of living their lives to begin with.

You talk about all the drugs you take that are prescibed? Well, they all did the same thing too in an effort to "manage". They work on "listening" and letting others "speak" and not interrupting them. They have to practice that because with ADHD, one of the symptoms it "talking over, interrupting". My husband runs a meeting every week where he practices this with others in that room. Yet, he never practiced that with me. Honestly, it is as though he somehow saves it all up, all the bad, for "me". It got so bad that one day, I was having a bad day already and needed to vent and he just would not let me "have the floor", I finally said, see what you are doing?, you practice this with others every week, you teach it, yet you never do it with "me".

Do you know that a high percentage of the individuals that go to alanon meetings suffer from PTSD? Well, a lot of that is because they don't understand the people they love, why they struggle so much and can be "mean" and so unpredictable, I know that one so well myself.

This NPD diagnosis, it just seems to be used too much without really recognizing the way people develop some of these traits, and tbh, I think that is sad, just as I think it is sad looking back on my experience in those AA rooms where so many had a challenge that came "first" and they do try and work at doing better, supporting each other, but so many don't have the entire picture as to "why".

A person with ADHD is designed to be what we used to need to be in order to thrive, go hunt and build and explore and be active and defend more than sitting in a chair all day in a classroom, but instead were designed to "learn on the fly". If a child struggles to sit still and learn in a classroom, why is that deemed "stupid"? That is what many, so many of these children were told and were punished for, like my brother and relatives that were all very "intelligent" and "gifted" individuals, but needed to "learn on the fly".

If sitting in one spot all day is "boring and unfulfilling", then I think it is important to realize "why" and what would be more fulfilling when a person is actually designed to be more active.
Yes, I bet you did shovel the driveway and mowed the lawn and did things where you were active and productive wanting to be appreciated. If you think about it, it was not so long ago where a son needed to step up to the plate in an active productive way asap, it was needed to thrive. Actually, young boys as early as age 10 engaged in battle in our own history of America to fight for freedom. My father was barely 17 when he went off to war, had to learn on the fly and grow up pretty fast.