Quote:
Originally Posted by Lexi232
No, you're not the only one [...]
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I know that. But may I assume there are not many who are like me? I had no idea for the title, as I've been wanting to die while at it -
Quote:
Originally Posted by psychmgmt
I thought I was reading something about myself. Wow. I go through the same things, especially feeling like everyone is laughing or talking about me. I would walk around with a knot in my stomach. Imagine living with two other 'friends' in an apartment where it's hard to find quiet space. I don't know how old you are but after my first year at college I went back to my hometown and lived with my parents for the summer. I told them what was going on with me and they provided a safe environment. I had a hands on job with few co-workers so it felt like I had some purpose completing tasks everyday. I came back to school this year and have made some improvements. I would recommend having a safe person to talk about what's going on and something to give you a sense of purpose (sticking to one of your projects and completing it). A pet is also another option that you could try. It would give you something to love.
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Yeah, that sounds nice. If you're really interested, I'm in school as well, but not college, just a course (in vocational training/education). I don't really care too much about it though. It feels pointless to me, because like I said I don't have any passions left whatsoever. That means I don't feel value in anything. Quite hard to do a simple task when you're like that. I don't feel adept at it at all and have trouble listening nowadays. I don't know why I'm there. Was too lazy to do anything about it. I'll probably drop out this year, as I'm not really in the mood for any exams at the end of the year..Or maybe not, but with this devil-may-care attitude, that's how it is.
To me, life is like a big joke, and I'm the only one who's getting trolled at with this much amount. Like the world is against me and makes me err all the time, no matter what I do...The force wants to beat me down, as if I had some power left to resist. Even further trolling is that in the city, I'm stuck in the medical district (no, not in a hospital, but there in an apartment), so I keep encountering patients and doctors on the streets, which always remind me that I'm also a life-long patient of an incurable sickness and weakness. "U mad bro?" I can hear that from the world laughing at those times when I realize I'm being trolled. But it's neat, life is trolling at its finest towards me, so at least I'm good enough for that. Especially in those social situations, well done, indeed, world.
As for a job, I don't think I'm eligible. I have no problem missing from school (truant)...as I don't feel good around people...and I don't think anyone likes someone who is as negligent or casual with one's duties. When I'm like 'that', there is no way I can attend to a serious job. Even if I could get a job...I couldn't deal with the people and the pressure/demand, and would probably be dismissed very soon. That environment is not for a shut-in, let alone for 'someone like me' who feels worthless and useless most of the time. So it's not like anything could change, it's a static loop, regardless of how you look at it.
I don't seem to love my parents, so I rarely talk with them. They don't understand me. They never had these 'inner problems' from the start. Just like all the other people, they 'feel' like strangers. I don't have 'an important person', and I don't care. It's better to be loveless. No one can ever become important to me. Here again, I can only fake the care for some time...I can't seem to love people or even pets. I'm just as disinterested about them as in the past.
As for the sense of purpose, that sounds fun and fine, but I can't enjoy anything I'm doing. I can only feel the tedious work, but no reward or happy feeling. When I'm doing something, I'm only doing for the heck of it, but it never pleases or affects me. Thus, why the self-imposed pressure when one can laze around doing nothing but wasting time? I can't stick to routines, I'm not like the other people. That's why I find the timetable annoying, I'd prefer if it'd be dynamic and always changing.
I try not to think about anything...I'm slightly better now, but still not "lively". That rarely happens. At the start of December I just had those creative impulses that are no longer there...duh. Figures I still can't express myself...