I'm having a bad go of things in therapy right now. Both therapy and my therapist has been very unavailable lately during a more turbulent time for me. End of October, I was caught up at work and I had to cancel. The next week she cancelled last minute because a water pipe broke in her house. From before thanksgiving till last week, she was on a cruise. Yesterday, she cancelled last minute because she's had the flu since she got back from vacation.

I understand life happens, but what bothers me about this is the last minute nature of her cancellations, and her tone about the water pipe was a little hyperbolic; I felt responsible for reassuring her it was okay, and I don't like that; I tend to feel responsible for the emotions of other's and now am weary of those situations. My therapy schedule needs more predictability, consistency, and objectivity.

I wish I were more compassionate about her having the flu. But I just feel untrusting about it, probably because I've been "sick" to get out of something I didn't want to do before and maybe project that on her. I 'm hesitant to trust what people say at times, especially if they're being complimentary and nice.

I could really use some therapy time, but after this I feel more like closing off. I hadn't responded to her cancellation email. She said when she's feeling better she will get in touch, and I figure if she wants to continue the therapy she will email me. Otherwise, I get it: You're unreliable, or I'm not important. Thats probably more an excuse for being me being passive aggressive when I feel angry at her. It brings up attachment issues too, I've bolted from 2 therapists I was unhappy with, and I did it after their vacation breaks.

I'm trans woman without any siblings, and I estranged myself years ago from my family after someone outed me to my codependent, enmeshing parents. They're too much, but its hard being alone for the holidays when I've struggled to bond with people for most of my life. Lately, I often think about killing myself. I'm not serious about doing it, but the thought loops in my head and is triggered by my own struggle with my body and feelings of shame and inadequacy. I've fallen into binge eating patterns and hate my loss of control. I feel so worthless and undesireable all the time. I feel like I'm an ugly mannish person, even though I know I'm not, that I suck at my work, I suck at my transition, suck at clothing, dressing, and grooming and not having the confidence to improve my situations, just avoiding it.

I'm particularly upset I'm beholden to this therapeutic relationship to acquire letters for sex reassignment surgery. I don't like having to "prove myself worthy." I want that letter and want to get surgery soon. I fear asking for it, and if she says no, it will break the relationship. It's temping to persue other avenues for the letter just so I'm guaranteed to get my needs met.

(The whole letter business is a little absurd and logically inconsistent to begin with. For example, surgeons require it for reassignment surgery on a part of your body 99% of the population doesn't even see. But, if you want to get Facial Feminization Surgery, where the surgeon reshapes your skull to look feminine, no letter required, for the part of your body everyone sees everyday! Or breast augmentation, no problem there. But obviously, if you want a vagina you're crazy until proven otherwise. I'd rather just be treated like an adult capable of making my own decisions. And if its a mistake, its my mistake to make. But I don't think my wanting one is an error in judgement. )

Thanks for listening to me ramble, use the word "I" in practically every sentence, my misspellings and sprinklings of improper grammer goodies.