Change is hard.

It's not going to come easy to her . . . of all people. She's gonna dig in her heels. Just like a stubborn child. And she may even manage to make herself ill to some extent. But I highly doubt that she is just going to "die already." She's probably got another 20 or 30 years to go. So this shall be a long siege. Feed into the drama as little as possible. But that doesn't mean ignore her. Just say things like: " If there is anything I can get for you, Mom, let me know." It's even permissible to ask every now and then, "How's the tummy/back doing now?"

It's even okay to feel a bit sorry for her. This is real stress for her. But she has to go through it. You have to be the parent to her for awhile.

And by the way, it need not be your goal in life to make sure you never do anything "wrong." We're all wrong every once in awhile. Actually, you've done lots of things wrong to get her this emotionally dependent on you. So now you're changing.

Everything isn't a matter of right and wrong. There's what works and what doesn't. We take an approach . . . see it gets us nowhere . . . so we take a different approach. If you tell yourself that you will never do anything until you are sure what is the right thing to do, then you'll get nowhere in life. Life's about trying things out. They don't work sometimes . . . so back to the drawing board. Your mom has had an approach to her relationship with you that worked quite well for her . . . for a very long time . . . achieved her goals. Suddenly, her program is not getting her the desired result. You are bucking against the shackles. So she is genuinely confused. She will experiment with different strategies to see what will restore things to what she regards as her equilibrium. This is how healthy relationships evolve. Each party tries different things and discovers what works and what doesn't. It's not always about what's right and wrong. Give her space to try things out. Don't be hovering over her worrying that she is so fragile, she will break. This lady sounds like a pretty tough cookie to me.