Short background: After over two decades of struggling with and suffering serious consequences, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and I started on meds for the fist time ever (I'm in my 40s) two months ago for a manic episode Okay, to the present....It's been a rough few days. My life can be so exhausting. I won't bore you all with tons of details. I started not sleeping well and started having thoughts often associated with depression.. Anyway, I thought, well, maybe I'm slipping into depression. Wrong, I started becoming agitated and my thoughts began to race. I spent days full of rage and ideas of suicide and craziness. I have a history of substance abuse which seems to spike around manic phases (been sober for 71 days). By yesterday, I was ready to quit my job and go off the deep end which could be anything, hurt myself, go on a dangerous drinking bender, sleep with strangers, get a plain ticket to New Mexico (I live in Maine). It was getting to the point were that was all on the table. I take 1200mg. of Lithium and 2mg. of risperidone everyday and it wasn't touching this.

Not touching it other than to say, I'm typing this and I haven't done any of those things. The meds I think also gave me enough distance to see what's been going on the last week with me. It also allowed me to actually call my Psych Nurse who I couldn't connect with, and also call a friend who helped put together a plan e.g. if it got worse go the the ER, go to her house to try and be safe essentially. I rode out last night and I'm up since 3 am. so my sleep is not in good shape. Anyway, I have an appointment with my Psych Nurse at 2:30 so I'm can't wait for that appt. If things start to turn south on me this morning I'll call her or go to the ER. If I get as elevated as I did yesterday, I don't think I can make it through another day without something going terrible wrong what ever it may be. I hate being on that edge. Before the meds, I wouldn't have seen the edge, I would have blown right by it and I'd be who knows where right now doing who knows what.