It probably sound like the most stupid thing in the world for someone who has a history of feeling suicidal and even an attempt or two, to come out and I have developed an all consuming terrifying fear of dying.

As soon as one panic attack is over, another soon follows because I'm literally sat here freaking myself out. I've been suicidal, but also terrified because I can't see anything past dying but darkness. I think back to before I was born and am overwhelmed by a feeling of complete emptiness and nothingness. Then I panic about what if you end up trapped inside you're body for all eternity? Buried in the ground inside a dead body, just replaying your thoughts in your head for the rest of eternity. I freak out so much I nearly pass out, or throw up.. all I can do is cry and rock myself through it.

My partner didn't help at all when I told him that i'd been thinking about it, his response was that because i've never been christened that I am "going to hell" - gee thanks! My parents aren't religious, and I've grown up surrounded by so many religions that how can I pick one! I told him that I don't pick, just in case I pick the "wrong one" - which he thought was absurd. So now i'm also panicking about what if he is right and I do end up in hell!

Then I think about all the terrible possibilities and I just can't deal with it. I don't know if this obsession and reaction is "normal", or if it's in any way worsened by my mental health problems. It can't be normal to not go to work one day and spend the day rocking and crying, and desperately trying to figure out the "meaning of life" and what will happen, as if somehow if I think and look into it enough that I can find the answer and not be scared / freaked out any more. I feel like i'm a ticking time bomb, and that I have to figure it out before I die just in case there's anything I need to do before it happens.

Then I wonder if I should save myself the years of freaking out, and if I should just end it all myself before anything terrible can happen to me that I can't control. But then what if the religions are right and I end up in hell because of it!? I seriously can't deal with all of this