Oh, except that occasionally I want to %#@&#! him. I didn't tell him that.
Ok, so I got home from my session a little while ago.
Wow.
Ok.
I told him that I had 3 things that I wanted to talk to him about. I had them listed on an index card. But then I realized that there was one thing I wanted to talk about first that wasn't on the card, so I told him it was #.5, lol.
I started out by telling him that last week when I left I was pisssssssed at him because for the first time, I didn't feel like he was 'getting it.' I told him that I hated his generic empathetic statements, and that it just didn't really seem like him. That he is normally very authentic with me, and I felt as if he didn't know what do to with me, so he just resorted to lame comments to try to convey empathy.
He said that agreed-- that he, too, felt as though we were disconnected last week in session-- that he wasn't entirely getting it, and we were not on the same page. He told me that sometimes in it is going to be difficult-- not just for me, but for us, together. That sometimes he may not know exactly what to do-- but that's not a bad thing-- because it allows me to get angry... and allows us to work it through it together.
He told me that he was upset because we did not block out time during the last session to discuss my internship-- obviously a major thing. He said in the future, let's do some planning so that there will always be time to talk about important events and such.
Then I moved on to #1 on my list. I told him all about my emotional reaction to the internship, the triggers, the deep countertransference. I wish you could have seen the way he was looking at me... the understanding in his eyes... it was incredible. I told him that the reaction I experienced was too deep even for words.... but that I knew he felt and understood every single thing I meant.
Then #2. This one wasn't really anything to talk about, just a funny thing during the week about my neighbors blasting American Idol so that they could sit outside and still listen to it... T and I have a joke about how much we both can't stand that show.
Then #3.
Deep breath.
I told him that I realized today that I want him to be unhappy. That if he is happy and I am unhappy it is a huge disconnect. Then... (I was working backwards at this point because I didn't want to have to say the worst part), I told him that the way I came to this conclusion is that I obviously noticed that he wears a wedding ring and I often think horrific stuff about his married life. I told him that I repulsed myself for wanting him to be unhappy. He replied by saying, "Why wouldn't you want us to feel the same unhappiness? There is nothing wrong with that."
I told him how hard it was to say this.
He said, "What was the hardest part?"
And I hesitated.... and then I finally said, "The hardest part is that I hate your wedding ring! I hate seeing you wear that ring!"
And smiled at me with this really genuine, understanding smile, and said, "I know. I know that is the hardest part for you."
Then he told me I still had a few minutes left (He was going over an hour at this point). And I said, "Can I tell you one more thing?" He said sure.
So I told him how Yalom says that patients find significance in smaller stuff, aside from the interpretations and all that.
So I told him, "What I want you to know is what sticks out for me. It's the way that you look at me. You are so engaged with me when I talk. No one has ever looked at me like you do."
And then he said, "Now can I tell you something? I think you are very intuitive for not ever wanting to lay on the couch."
I asked him why.
And he said, "Because of what you just told me. I don't think you always consciously knew it, but you have always felt it. And now that I know what you just told me, I would never want to take that away from you."
Beautiful. I just stared at him. Wanted to preserve the moment forever.
Of course as soon as I got outside, the tears started coming behind my sunglasses. I had told T how ever since I was little, I have always felt different than people. That my disconnect is always felt-- even with friends and family members. I told him that the only time I don't feel disconnected is when I am with him. And to only have that for only one hour per week is incredibly hard. He knew.
Then the parking garage guy hit on me and told me that if I ever get rid of my husband, he will be there. But until then, he will like me as a friend.
Great.
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