thanks for all your input and replies. i remember being constantly negative, everything was always wrong, everyone was against me, or inadequate; the world was a miserable place, and i wished i was not in it. all those thoughts got me was more misery.

i'll share a little secret about the brain and re-parenting, perhaps it's not a secret, and perhaps it's not even real, but this is what i'm doing and it's working for me. i watch tv shows with charactors in them who are positive, polite, optimistic, kind; all the qualities i wish i'd learned growing up (how to be assertive without being belligerent, etc.).

the brain has a quirky little function, let's call it Pretend I'm YOU. while we watch tv our brain fires off little echoes of what it sees and hears, it mimics what we are watching. it's probably the same with sound, only i'm visually oriented and auditorally impaired. So i have stopped watching violent tv, and focus on smart, polite, gentle, kind characters.

there are ways to find good parents all around, if you don't demand that they take care of you. just watch people in the store,,, you can tell who takes the time to educate their children, and who just smacks them around. when i first started to "heal the inner child" i was aghast when i saw good parenting~ "you're teaching that child to be selfish and demanding!" i would think. but noooo,,, it turns out that taking time to pay attention to children's needs teaches them to pay attention to others' needs later in life.

i hope i have been able to explain this a little better, that it's of use to some, and not hurtful to any~~
best wishes~!