Your message could have been written by me. I have the same feelings, and have had those "wish I'd never been born" thoughts many times in my life. I've also felt that I don't fit in and never reached my full potential, or what I believe to be my potential. I have blamed my parents and felt that I could have been a stronger, more confident person if they had done things differently.

I now am coming to the understanding, though, that I was perhaps genetically programmed to be this way despite anything they did or could have done, and they were never abusive to me. My dad was a doctor, both he and my mom expected us to do well in school just because that's what you're supposed to do, and when I struggled I was chastised to do better - never got the pats for getting A's....I always thought they could have done more to make me have better self esteem and the confidence to reach to my potential. I do think I'm a smart person but it is totally underutilized and I live under the umbrella of fear of judgement and perfectionism.

I have also felt that I was the oddball throughout childhood, especially once I hit puberty. I was a wall-flower from then on, had few friends, felt socially awkward.

I am 49 and now investigating ADD, in the process of diagnosis. When a friend suggested I have it, I laughed, but when I investigated it online, everything I read explained me! At least I felt like there might be a reason for all the depression and feelings I've had all my life.

I don't know what the answer for us is, Illegal Toilet (dying to know what that user name is all about!), but know you aren't alone, and it is great that you came here to voice those feelings. I know how hard that is. No one is comfortable hearing it from us so you find yourself totally alone and hiding those inner thoughts. I know I go around feeling that I'm putting on a facade to others, that they don't know the real me and would probably run screaming if I revealed my true, raw, inner self.

I find great comfort in forums like these, though, and writing and sharing where it is safe really helps.

Hopefully, you are feeling better today!