thanks guys.

i think...

i think he is trying to make up for letting me down before. i don't think he realised how attached i was and stuff... and how busy he would be and stuff... but it was retraumatising to me. i guess he knows that. i told him productivity went out the window and that kt spent a lot of time in her room and that we felt really distressed and stuff. we didn't dwell on it (i didn't want to make him feel bad). but i think he knows.

so...

all the sessions since the break...

the connection was somewhat broken. he was trying to emotionally connect with me. with his eye contact and his leaning forward and his listening intently. and i was kind of gouging holes in my hands with my nails by making fists and leaning back into my chair and kind of dodging around topics. i could see i was doing it but i just couldn't seem to be able to stop. felt so very anxious. was trying to work (trying to emotionally connect a bit with what i was saying) but it was hard to do that and when i managed to do it i just couldn't seem to let him emotionally hold me. just kind of struggled along half caught in that state for the rest of the session. he offered another room that i could go into afterwards to give me time to collect myself but i just dissociated from the feeling and was like 'nah, i'm fine thanks'. was trying to work but i just couldn't seem to do it...

so i think he is trying to reestablish a connection. with the phonecall. with seeing that he needs to get w. onside (he needs to take rational me seriously).

reading some stuff again... they were saying that the most important thing with respect to trauma processing was basically having a secure attachment to the therapist. i understand why. in one of the sessions i was able to feel some of the shame that my mother was so good at getting me into. i could feel the shame and i could feel him emotionally holding the shame at the same time. he was there with me. he was there. he could feel it too and he was there with me and he wasn't afraid of it. he wasn't shying away from it or anything. and that made it more manageable. it hurt a lot that the shame was there. but it felt so wonderful that i felt so connected to him. now (sometimes) when i feel the shame in the course of my ruminations i feel him connected to me at the same time and it makes feeling it okay.

thats how the healing is supposed to work, i think.

but it means that we can't do that work if i can't feel emotionally connected to him.

so i think he is trying to repair the emotional connection.

its working. but... i guess the feelings of abandonment that were ignored while he had his time off... were really very retraumatising.

he said we needed to take it slow. i guess we have a lot of building the relationship stuff to be doing first. need to get me feeling safe and secure and being productive BEFORE getting into the traumatic feelings. instead of me working to feel the traumas... i think i need to work on feeling connected to him. i think that is why he offered me the other session. more sessions... faster establishment of connection...

i think.