yeah. i do try and hang onto that feeling of connection. there are other moments too. even his efforts over the last few weeks have been helpful. even though i can't feel his emotionally holding me (or holding the emotions that plague me) i can see that he is trying to do that. i'm darting around not letting him. but he is trying. and i keep on darting. and he keeps on trying. that means a great deal to me too.

and there are moments of connection at other times too. i'm not emotionally experiencing anything... we are just talking on a more rational level. but his interest in what i'm saying means a great deal too.

but that emotional connection. sensing that he is holding the emotion that plagues me. thats how it feels. that... is what is most healing for these traumatic experiences, i think. i think my greatest traumas are experiences of very intense and very negative dysregulating emotion. the things that happened to me (the external stimuli) really aren't anywhere near as important as the feeling of intense negative dysregulated emotion. and him being there and holding it... showing me that it is manageable for him... makes it feel manageable to me.

we talked a bit last time (as i said already) about how when i'm having these flashbacks (whether they be mental pictures or memories of events or body / feeling memories or emotion / feeling memories)... the crucial thing is to feel it (rather than dissociating from it) while at the same time holding it present in my mind that they belong to the past and that the present is different (its okay) right now in this moment.

of course knowing it rationally and actually being able to do it are two different things...

now i'm thinking... that precisely what enables you (or will enable me) to do this... is feeling like he is there with me in the present. because the boundary dissolves. it feels like the past IS the present. but that means i can utilise that dissolving boundary... so that the present (him being there facing the feeling too and being connected with me) IS the past. so... they blend together and its ok.

i hope.

i so want to get better.

please god.