I'm having a really difficult time tonight. I went to therapy today and my therapist had wanted me to make a timeline starting with the first ten years of my life. (We're trying to see patterns, impulse problems, issues etc.) I did that, and well, there is just a huge concern or red flag raising because I totally believe that in this modern age there are a LOT of therapists who jump to ADD if it's a kid, or to "repressed memories/abuse" if you're an adult. Now you know, -sighing again- She was trying to imply that because my father, being a good man, a good provider - worked sometimes 2 or even 3 jobs, and that my mom was distant... that maybe someone knew I was "vulnerable" and "could have taken advantage of that". I mean..... God. I don't even know how to explain how that session today left me feeling. Offended?

No one "took advantage" of me. Seriously. *I* was maybe more sexually curious than some kids my age. I found my dad's porno mags and looked at them when I was 9 or 10, and once I played you know, show and tell with the neighbor boys.... but does that mean that there was some kind of sexual abuse? Not in my book it doesn't. And she says that the fact that I admit to being promiscuous only a few years later at around age 14 rather supports the idea. -shaking my head- And I'm sorry, I just ain't buying it. I'm not pushing the idea away because it frightens me - although it certainly wouldn't be pleasant to learn - but sincerely, honestly, I can't think of anyone, or any situation in where such abuse would ever have taken place. The promiscuity occurring as a means to gain favor and attention and "love"? Yes, that I can see clearly now at my age - but I maintain and will continue to maintain that it was NOT a secondary symptom of sexual abuse. God, that frustrates me. Like I said I think a LOT of therapists jump to that conclusion, and if this lady is so eager to see that in my past, then maybe I should change therapists right now before I reveal anymore of my messed up life, because God only knows what she'll think when I get into getting pregnant, having an abortion, blah blah not to mention MY parenting skills or lack therof.

I don't know. I have another counseling appointment next week. By that time she wants me to delve into the next ten years, which as I've written is where things really start to get warped in my life. I think I have to call the place where she works and talk to someone. I'd LIKE to talk to my case manager but she's really proving to be kind of unreliable, which sucks. Well, in fairness, I'm not her only case, but still... if you can't do the job, then don't take it on, right? So I think Monday I'll call and ask if it would be possible for me to get in to see someone other than my therapist and explain my concerns.

I just don't know.

I mean, despite everything, despite my resolute belief that nothing of the sort ever happened, it's a scary thing to ask - what if she's right? -laughing- Hell, who knows. In a way it might be nice to have an excuse for everything being wrong in my life, but even if it were true, that'd be no reason to blame everything on that. There are hundreds if not thousands of abuse cases where people lead productive, "normal" lives, or grew up with alcoholism etc etc.

But I assert, her suggestions or implications are without basis, period.

BTW: I was formally diagnosed as Bipolar2 in December 2006. I am currently only taking Lamictal 50mg with what to me seems like no measurable success.