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Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
Ok let's bypass the cat for a moment.....
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Thank you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
talking about truth 1 and truth 2... Most of us choose the consensus truth.....your problem I think is there is no consensus in this scenario. In part because no one can be truly aware of the inner workings of your mind. If you believe us you are ill if you believe the pdocs you are a fraud...the pdocs outrank us but there are more of us and we know how to spot a fraud as well because we have street cred. Thus no clear consensus.
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Yes, this isn't helping the confusion! Ill = PC people, Uni pdoc, GP. Nothing wrong = ex-pdoc and hospital, family, volunteer colleagues, acquaintances. Plus some people are inconsistent and change their minds all the time e.g. my parents, my T, my friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
Which world would you prefer?
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I would prefer to be ill than be morally defective (fraud, lazy, pathetic etc), but I'm not convinced I get to choose...and T says there are other options, but he won't tell me what they might be. I don't believe that I'm ill because I think that a lot of this stuff is real, but I don't feel like I'm making it up either. I think I'm a bad person, but I don't think I'm
that bad to consciously do that.
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Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
If the disability is all that's stopping you from feeling comfortable why not go to work then?
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Yeah I thought about that, though if I was fraudulently claiming benefits, then stopping them and getting a job wouldn't make what I'd done ok. But I thought if I just got a job, then maybe I wouldn't have to decide right now...but......I really don't want to. And I can't really verbalise why. I just cry at the thought of it. Which isn't a reason not to work: I've done it before when I was being bullied by one of my bosses and I cried before every shift with her... But I'm confused as to whether I
can't work vs I
won't work cos they are 2 very different things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
Now if you can't go to work I would argue that you are in fact disabled in some way whether that is due to truth 1 or truth 2. Thus you are not hurting the nameless strangers because you are not capable of work. Many people are happy to support those who cannot work.
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I don't know about the US, but people on benefits in the UK are heavily demonised by politicians and the media. Even people who are technically on benefits because their full-time working wage is too low to live on, look down on those who are on benefits who don't work. That's how powerful the rhetoric is. So, no, a lot of people who saw me passing fairly normally in society would not be happy to support me not to work.
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Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
I routinely donate to the food bank to help those who are struggling for whatever reason. Are some of those people getting food because they have spent all their money on superfluous things....yes but they still have no money and are hungry I want them to eat.
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Well you are a very nice person then! There is talk here about putting benefits onto special cards to restrict where/what the money can be spent on, because 'hardworking Britains' (who are likely getting working tax credits and child benefit etc themselves) don't want their taxes being spent on cigarettes or alcohol or drugs, or even iPhones or DVDs or lattes or cinema tickets. 'If people can't be bothered to work, why should they have/do nice things?!' That's basically the attitude here.
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Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
So rule the nameless strangers out of your decision because they are not being hurt.
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David Cameron and his cronies beg to differ.
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Originally Posted by Secretum
We can't tell you if you are ill or well.
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I've not asked for that, nor am I interested in yet another subjective opinion - no offence intended. I am drowning under all the various opinions I've been given and I cannot cope with any more. I want to figure out my 'truth', not adopt somebody else's truth for me.
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Originally Posted by Secretum
I can tell you that many, many people, including me, have wondered this about ourselves.
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Yes, I'd be interested in hearing how others have resolved this issue without just adopting somebody else's opinion.
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Originally Posted by Secretum
I'm tempted to go off my meds to settle the question. If I get much worse (with both mood and psychosis) off meds, then I'm ill. If I stay the same, then I'm a faker.
Yes, I realize that's not the wisest plan...and I'm probably not going to do it.
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Scientifically I don't see how it would 'prove' that you needed meds or not. Even slowly tapering off to minimise withdrawal effects which could mimic relapse, there is no way to figure out how you would be had you remained on meds.
...
I'm getting really fed up of therapy because it's not helping me figure things out and be less confused. And I feel like I have to censor all the 'weird' stuff because he doesn't seem interested in that, he just wants me to talk about my dysfunctional childhood. And I don't want to talk about crap that happened 20-odd years ago, because that doesn't upset me anywhere near as much as this confusion does, or the moon not talking to me because she's mad at me for telling PC about her, or the Govt torturing me etc. And so I feel like he's yet another person that doesn't want to hear what I really think and feel. But I don't want to stop going because I don't want to give up the
illusion of having another person to talk to. And I like that he's not trying to ram the DSM down my throat all the time.
I really need more than 2-3 hours sleep a night cos maybe my brain would work better and I could figure this out?! But T says that I overthink things, and I know that I do...If I ignore thoughts, and go with feelings, my gut tells me that something is horribly, horribly wrong...but I still don't know what to do about it...
Anyway, I have to pretend to go to sleep because it's late and I have a pounding headache. I don't expect anyone to have any magical answers for me, but maybe knowing that someone has listened to my ramblings will at least make me feel heard and not swept under the carpet...? Christmas makes it even worse, because pretending to be happy isn't enough at Christmas, I have to pretend to be happy happy happy or I get crap about being Scrooge! Bah humbug!
*Willow*