((((pinksoil))))

what he came to understand about the couch sounds great.

i think my t... is probably a little sad that i don't feel the same way as you.

i just... don't like to be looked at. his voice is more important to me. i don't look him in the eyes. doing that... would be over-stimulating for me, i think. it would bring up intense feelings of needing to run or hit him or something. my mother was invasive though, i guess. sometimes i need people to back off physically. i can see him from the corner of my eye leaning forward intently, though. can hear the kindness and soothing in his voice. sometimes i want to close my eyes and feel it. i try not to close them though 'cause some therapists (not sure about him) don't like me to do that 'cause sometimes i get lost inside. i can meet him but i guess i need him to reach out at a distance. so i can reach out too and we can connect when there is mutual reaching. someone reaching out in a way that they show complete disregard for whether i'm reaching or not induces panic, however.

not sure why but i put looking in the latter camp. my mother used to make me look at her or she would hit me. she would make me look at her while she hit me. maybe thats it.

so i would like to eliminate eye contact from the situation. crap. he won't let me. but he never ever ever ever comments on it.

thank god for small mercies.