Hi. Three year relationship is over. My part is I let my @$&#ing fears get in the way. He got tired and left. I feel damned and cursed. He was the first I trusted as much as I did. The first I felt safe with and protected and felt I was first in his life. These are all things I've never ever felt before but as hard as I worked on it my fears have killed this. I know he is far from perfect. That brings me comfort for a brief second. Then I remember how long it took me to find him and how my fears wore him out, waiting for me. Now too late I hear clearly how much he wanted me with him. So much regret it makes me nauseous. I sleep.

I'll never find another like him where I feel all those wonderful things. It took so long to find him. I don't have another 50 years. I'm 51. My life over. And I have failed to have a successful relationship. I am disgusted with myself. I have less than zero energy to deal with day to day life. No real friends or family or kids. Friends I habitually leave when I get disappointed. Family is toxic. I have a dog and resent having to get up from bed to take her out. Occasionally she makes me laugh but she seems clueless when I sob and offers no direct comfort.

I know words like never and always are unproductive. I know literally my life is not over. I know I can meet another when I am ready. I know there are others like me in their 50s and single. I know it could be worse. I could be of poor health. I could be living somewhere where it isn't sunny all the time. (Tho right now, gloomy weather matches me and sunny weather just makes me feel the weight of all this more.) I could not have a good reliable car. I could not be renting a cute little house. I could not get a disability income. Thinking of the Golden Girls t.v. is comforting. Still. None of it matters because I can't accept my reality, my loss. I know that each person I've been in relationship with has been a huge improvement on the last. That gives me some hope. Still. It's not him. I want him.