As to the "daddy issues", I grew up with an emotionally unavailable father who spent most of my childhood either avoiding me, or curled up in a parlor room chair in the dark, nursing his chronic depression and avoiding treatment. So in a sense, the father I wanted to know, betrayed me - from the constant rebellious behavior towards treatment, to wanting to leave the house and us "consider him as though dead" when were children, to never being willing to take a single "family" vacation with us. He was also a victim of intense emotionally abuse of the sexual kind when he was younger. So I understand some of it.

I just have no idea how to move past this. A part of me wonders if my abstinence beliefs and other such personal belief structures are not really due to me wanting to be "righteous" but protected from the inconsistency and dishonesty I have come to know of men in general throughout my life. I have been constantly cheated on due to my lack of willingness to have sex prior to marriage, I also once found out that a man I wanted to marry had attempted to repeatedly sexually assault my only sister on several occasions. How could I ever trust me with intimacy when this is my future with them???

The only man I was ever with that I SHOULD have married that was decent, religion drove away only days before a decision to marry. I was a complete fool.

- J