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The only man I was ever with that I SHOULD have married that was decent, religion drove away only days before a decision to marry.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
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I grew up with an emotionally unavailable father
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In childhood you learned that men are unavailable. It could well be that you subconsciously seek out unavailable men, and decline those who are available, because you were taught through your childhood experience that
unavailable defines what men are.
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Absolutely I would consider seeing a therapist - but in my area they are very very hard to find. I'm kind of stuck, to be honest.
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You feel like there is no way to move forward. I wonder if you would consider an online therapist. Some people on this forum do use them. What if you started a thread on that topic, to learn how people feel about online therapists?