((Jane)),

When you are looking back on your history and you recognize something that you did or reacted to that you have been or are now ashamed of, you need to have a person that can listen to that and help you understand that whatever it was that you wish you had not done was something you did that at the time was based on your level of maturity and life experience as well as coping skills too. Also, what a victim tends to do is look back and recognize things they later feel they "should have known", possibly warning signs that they failed to recognize, possibly being overly trusting or even that they feel they somehow let their guard down and they blame themselves for whatever they experienced. Often, because they have the advantage of hind site, they can feel they underestimated the "potential" of whomever hurt them and "should have known better" comes to mind. However, Jane, it is important to recognize one's own inner workings and how a person can experience something from another person that is something they themselves would never even think of doing. Unfortunately, for example, when a woman is raped, she can begin to recognize and blame herself for how she might have allowed herself to be in a situation where she could be a victim. What she is not recognizing however is that many young women are adventurous and explore their independence and they don't really see the danger, they just don't. There is also that element that "it could never happen to me", that is what happens to others and people who do that have red flags, they are not attractive, they are weird, I have better judgement than that, this guy really likes me, we will just go someplace quiet and get to know each other and talk. And the truth is that is what "most" young women really think too.

The problem is that the further one develops away from that "lack of experience and knowledge" the more one can self blame with I was wrong to "trust" and be in the situation. And that is not being "fair" to one's self because the bottom line is at the time there really was not the maturity level, and this is something that so many women struggle with and "self blame" for. And often they don't seek help and guidance for it either because they somehow "self blame" and are too ashamed.

It is always important, as I mentioned, to be with someone that can understand the complexity of all this and help to be "supportive" and understanding of where that person was as far at their life experience and maturity level at the time. Because what the woman struggling needs to do the most is understand, and forgive "self". Sadly, so many don't know how to do that and they certainly deserve to learn and grieve and finally "heal" from that inner challenge.

I was just using an example of one situation where a person can struggle and deserves to finally "grieve and heal".

((Caring Hugs))
OE