Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelyn
Has he apologized? Does he think you deserved it, that it was your fault?
Even if I was an infrequent occurrence and relatively minor (no hospitalization), and even if it's been several years since the last occurrence, IT DOES MAKE SENSE that it still bothers you.
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Thank you, Adelyn. This is the crux of the problem. He does seem to think I deserved it. After a lot of prodding (at the therapist's office) he said he was sorry BUT that I provoked him. My mother also believes that I should have reasonably expected a physical reaction from him because of this "provocation." I'm still honestly not sure what I did to provoke him (yes, things were tense…he disagreed with a major life decision I made, then I gave him the silent treatment for maybe 10-20 minutes) but nothing stands out as ample justification so it's hard to say. This "I'm sorry but" is actually worse than a fake apology because it suggests that he feels there are justifications for attacking me. So, he could find future justifications. He was sorry he was sitting in a shrink's office and he was sorry we were on bad terms but he wasn't sorry he hurt me. "Can we move on now?" he said.
I don't believe there is any justification for attacking another human being unless you're defending yourself or someone else from imminent harm. I needed an unconditional statement that he's sorry he attacked another human being. Clearly, we don't see eye-to-eye on whether or not I'm a human being at all. How can we have a real relationship when we can't agree on whether I'm even a person?
I could have forgiven him. I feel like I even spelled it out for him: give me a good reason to think it won't happen again. He could have told me that he has poor impulse control and he's going to investigate its sources and get treatment. He could have told me he doesn't think it's OK to physically attack children and he's going to stay away from the children in the family until he gets his problems under control.
But all he gave me is a half-assed apology and a suggestion of more violence to follow if I fail to conform to his secret arbitrary rules. Any time I visit their house I should reasonably expect a violent reaction if I do something wrong. That's what bothers me: nothing changed.
And yes, I've realized at this point that the chances of him giving me a real apology are slim. I know I need to move on without his help and I'm doing it.