You are a victim of abuse as much as anyone else. Your father was living with you but was neither physically or emotionally available to you. As a child, you naturally thought that there was something wrong with you. The idea that the problem lay with your father was impossible for you to formulate, because as children, we look at our caregivers as all powerful and perfect.

The rejection and low self esteem you felt as a child has haunted you to the present day.

You use the "no sex until marriage" as a way to test potential partners. Have you ever considered that this all or nothing deal breaker isn't working for you? That it may be a dysfunctional way of keeping you from the terror of complete intimacy?

I hate to tell you this but being unsullied on your wedding night is no guarantee against being cheated on. More than half of all marriages end in divorce. Having a ring and a man that passed your test will do nothing in the long term to ease your fear of being rejected.

I am no therapist and would never claim to be. BUT i would urge you to get help in letting the past go.

You cannot feel bad enough to change what has happened.

You need to forgive your father.

I am not talking about exoneration, not at all, he neglected you and that is not o.k..

I am talking about "i forgive him because i need to move on. I am sick of feeling this way and it has to stop because i am a good person deserving of love." And "falling for unavailable men has done nothing but leave me lonely and frustrated...... I deserve better"

You do deserve better than to lead an emotionally barren life. But , until you believe this, nothing will change.

"we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are" Eckhart Tolle