Thank you for the hugs Junk and Sometimes, and for the reply Faerie.
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Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x
I can't keep up with all that is said.
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I'm sorry that you struggle so much cognitively. It really does make things so much harder.
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Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x
However I've come to my own conclusion about myself as being a non treated mentally ill person.
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Do you mind saying how you came to that conclusion? Also weren't you hoping to get into treatment, or have you now chosen not to?
I think that the construction of mental illness has value even if a person doesn't want/value the support that psychiatry can offer. For me, having an illness means that this wouldn't be my fault, unlike if I was morally defective. But my T disagrees that the medical model has value, and he rolls his eyes any time I allude to 'symptoms'. Yet he did once suggest seeing my GP about an antidepressant -
I laughed at
him that time! I do find his inconsistency about this very confusing.
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Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x
I've decided to live with mad pride. So for me that means it doesn't matter what others think or what labels I'm given. It doesn't matter that I am not on meds now and I seem to get by ok without them. My illness is part of me and I embrace it and do a lot of work to stay well.
If it ever comes that I need meds or can actually get treatment, I won't fight it.
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Do you really believe that you "get by ok" right now? It is subjective and so I can't tell for myself, but it sounds like you struggle a lot, especially cognitively.
How would you know that you "need meds"? Sometimes I wish there was some kind of tick box exercise that if you had x amount of difficulties, or a blood test or something, then that meant you needed meds. I've googled so many times hoping to find some kind of answer. Some people say that 'if you're asking if you need meds, then you need meds', but I'm not sure I agree with that, especially if meds haven't helped or made things worse in the past.
I don't know...Last night I talked myself into making a GP appt on Monday (well trying to what with Xmas and NY) to try olanzapine because I was really upset and overwhelmed and I thought maybe I could 'reset' back to the last time my life mostly made sense, which was when I was at Uni and Uni pdoc said I had SZA, and he wanted me to try olanzapine or clozapine next. And if it helped then maybe I would know, or maybe I just wouldn't care about 'solving' the problem so much anymore? But I was embarrassed and wasn't going to tell anyone that I was taking meds for something so trivial. But now today I'm back to thinking that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and I need to stop being such a baby.
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Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x
But maybe that's an outlook that could help you. It doesn't matter if you're ill or not. I don't think you were faking. You went through something and whatever it was effected you profoundly. It's part of who you are.
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I wish I could feel like it doesn't matter. It would make this much less stressful. I even told myself that if I was a truly awful person, then I wouldn't care if I was defrauding the Govt, but feeling guilt doesn't mean that I'm not doing it.
I just don't understand how I can NOT KNOW if I'm faking or not!!!?
My parents commented on my worsening mood/decreased productivity earlier. Part of me thinks that things MUST be bad for them to notice...but maybe they actually just noticed my increasing laziness?
*Willow*