Well, so I know I'm doing okay because I get up everyday. I get dressed. I go to work. I know I don't work at the same level as the people around me. But, too damn bad. I do a good job for someone in my shoes. I spend time socializing wit co-workers at lunch. I get as much work done as I can. Then I go home. I make dinner. I try to help my son with his homework (he likes to fight me on it.) I play with my kids and spend time with my husband. I spend time relaxing.

The bills are paid. My kids are clean and fed and happy. Therefore, I'm doing fine.

On the meds front, really I feel my moods are a secondary problem. And with sheer will I force myself to keep moving regardless of them. I remind myself over and over again that my whole family will starve if if I fail.

But the cognitive problems have no meds. None. In fact, a huge complaint about bipolar meds is how they reduce your cognitive function. So it seems like I would be hurting myself more in the area I need more help in.

And basically, the meds road would be for a couple reasons. Depression becomes debilitating. Mania becomes debilitating. But I know that I'm going to have to judge that on my own. I mean I went through what seems to have been a major psychotic break in my early 20s and no one cared. I hear people saying family members take them to the hospital and that blows my mind. You'd be surprised how easy it is for people to just ignore problems if you just keep quiet about it.

So basically, I'm my ow caregiver and struggling is just how I live. Better to struggle than lie still and die.

Plus I'm really stubborn. If my mom could still go to school with only 5% body tissue, then this is a walk in the park by comparison.

But my therapist I saw this year said she has never in 25 years of practice met someone who works as hard as me to stay healthy mentally. She did say we'll work on figuring out my diagnosis. But now I have to wait to be able to see her again.