Hi, saw this thread and had to respond. Upbringing seems to be a primary factor. My father was emotionally distant, angry, and not sociable (like me now). My mother was (and is) hyper-critical. I have been avoidant and isolated more and more over the years, really a vicious circle. I've been trying to be more social recently but it just reminds me why I isolate. I always feel out of place at ANY social situation, around people, family, job, etc. I tend to just shut down emotionally due to the social anxiety I feel. Later on I feel depressed from my perceived failure and inadequacy. I refer to myself as a "social retard". I see people chatting and joking and laughing and can't figure out how the hell they do it!

I started dating a woman recently who seems pretty darn normal and loves to go out, which is stressful for me, but I do it because I want her to think I'm semi-normal. I try to act "normal" to everyone--except my therapist, he knows my shame and guilt. I believe that a major part of my issue is the desire just to be normal and also chronic rumination--replaying events and conversations in my head over and over and then fantasizing about my "normal" life.

Thanks for hearing out my vent!