I am beginning to realize through my work in therapy that my dissociation takes different forms. One form is like a cognitive confusion where I can't follow the conversation at hand and my thoughts seem to be swirling around me on little post-it notes, like I am in the center of a tornado. Another form is a derealization where i feel separated from my surroundings. It has happened in therapy where T's face seems to disintegrate and his voice is not attached to his body. The floating or drifting dissociation feels like I am floating away or drifting away. Yet another form, which I experienced this week is a feeling of extreme exhaustion. I literally feel like I need to sleep immediately. It feels like someone threw a wet blanket over me or I am in a really thick fog. Finally, I have a fantasy life where i just drift off into a land created in my mind that has nothing to do with the here and now. I wonder what I'll notice next?

The more I work on this in therapy the more I realize how disconnected I have been for a long time and how creative my mind is at protecting me from feeling pain. The challenge now is to feel without judgement and without dissociating. Yikes, I'm not sure i want to do that but believe it's necessary for my healing.

Oh, as I read the other thread on ego states, I realized that my fragmentation is yet another type of dissociation. There are parts of me that I hold separate because it's easier to manage that way. When they are all together it feels so heavy.