Hello,

even though i havent been diagnosed with PBD, i have always struggled with the push/pull dynamic and i feel i have pretty strong BPD tendencies, so i am posting here because i feel its the best place to be understood and hopefully being given some good advice.

i am at the beginning of a new relationship with an old friend and ex boyfriend (had been together for a couple of months during school). he is wonderful, we talk about everything and he knows about my physical intimacy issues. he is patient and understanding and supportive. i love him. i think he is the one and i want a future with him, getting married, kids and all. thats what i want and we have gone through a lot before giving it a new try (after 10 years out of touch and about half a year being only friends), with me wanting it more than anything else

BUT now, i dont feel excited about us being together, i dont feel in love. it just feels "normal" and the initial mild physical attraction is fading away. maybe because im scared, i dont know. i dont like holding hands, kissing, doing everything together, seeing him so often. we have talked about this but i see the less i see him the less i feel like seeing him again. i have been alone 95% of my life, maybe thats why i feel more comfortable alone.

i dont want to have these feelings. they always arise when i am in a relationship - thats why i've avoided them for so long. it has happened that i have felt happy about being with him and i feel good in his company but i feel as if now that i've obtained what i wanted, i dont want it anymore. or, still WANT it but dont FEEL it. and i hate it and i hate myself.

is there a way to fix things? anyone can relate? any advice? i want this relationship to work.
thanks