Hi baseline!

No need to apologise for 'ranting' or 'whining'. That's not what you're doing - you're simply sharing with us how you feel, and that's good! You have every right to share and be heard.

You also have the right to have needs! Really, you do. Just the other day, my therapist said to me that having needs and emotions and sharing them with others is what's required to have relationships - they simply won't exist otherwise.

It sounds like you're very afraid of expressing your needs for fear of the people closest to you rejecting you or leaving you. I can understand that. I've felt the same way. It can be terrifying asking for what you need, especially when you've been the one giving your whole life. But until you do, you won't really know where you stand in your relationships and what they're truly made of. Personally, I'd rather find out who I can trust and rely on than live not knowing, and then finding myself all alone when something really bad has already happened..

You say you only managed to make your parents happy by behaving a certain way as a child. Maybe this taught you that you need to try and 'earn' other people's 'love' by giving them what they want? You also say you ARE a caregiver, but caring for others isn't who you are, it's what you do. It seems to me like you haven't received much (if any) acknowledgement of who you are as a person, nor love for that person For the one who feels and needs.. Even though you SO deserve that love and recognition!

You wonder whether it's selfish to expect others to realise you need love and some looking after as well. I think it's only natural to wish that. I mean, imagine if people actually did get it - if we could all just express our emotions and needs freely and were willing to listen to each other and wanted to do everything we could to help one another - the world would be a much nicer place to live in! But I believe we usually function from inside a sort of system, repeating behaviour patters we've learned and accepted as our own over the course of our lives.

I would imagine that if you start asking for what you need - and not taking no for an answer! - the people in your life might be surprised, shocked even. They might also feel threatened by you showing any signs of 'weakness' (really, it's not you being weak, it's you being human!) They might be scared of what will happen to them if you're not there to look after them anymore. So, in a way, it works in their favour to not 'get' that you need them. If you expect them to, I'm afraid you'll remain stuck in not getting your needs met and feeling alone.

I think that in your immediate current situation you must find someone to help take care of your mother. For you, your son needs to be your first priority. He is dependent on you, and up to a point, you're responsible for him. Choosing to focus on your child does not make you a bad child! Your mother is responsible for herself. If she's unable to get the help she needs herself, demand that your siblings sort it out. You've simply got too much on your plate right now.

You deserve to feel good, be healthy, to get help, to look after yourself, to love yourself. You really do!

Do take care Hugs!!!!!!