Thank you all SO much for answering.

Jelly-bean, i have been in therapy before, but i dont want to go back. actually i had started therapy right because of these issues, that i resloved isolating myself and keeping my emotions to myself. but then it was about friends, now with a boyfriend its different and harder. i didnt expect this to happen again and i dont know what to do.

Katluvzpurple, i am feeling more positive than ever at the moment and it is him giving me this positive attitude. we started hanging out as friends this summer, have been growing closer and closer and 2 weeks ago decided to try again being together. i dont think this time it is about abandonment issues (or they are so deep i dont acknowledge them), on the opposite, i feel almost too secure and that he is too clingy, i feel smothered and kind of pressured. and this is exactly what happened with him and others in the past and why we brokeup. but if i started to think he is noticing my real feelings and was thinking about leaving me i would change again and start the pull phase. i guess my dread now is physical intimacy. i want it but at the same time i feel forced to it (by myself more than by him) and scared about it.

Hooligan, yes, i think i know when my push/pull issues started and why they got worse, but how does this help me not feeling like pushing him away now? this is not what i want but this is what i feel. and i dont want it!

at this point i have always kept pushing until the breakup point. when i was afraid of something i would run away from it. i dont want to do this anymore, i dont want to keep pushing, but i also feel compelled to do it. how do i overcome this point? i dont think im good at faking i love being with him when i keep thinking i cant wait to go home and be alone. letting him touch me, kiss me, hold my hand, when i hate it. why do i even hate it? i love him and i want to enjoy these things, not live them as torture.

what do you do when you want something but feel you hate it?

how do you stop pushing before pulling becomes necessary?

thanks for your help.