Thank you all. One one hand it's comforting to know there are others in similar situation. On the other, it's a shame there doesn't seem to be a solution.
I too try to make lists, but I feel like they are without purpose. In other words, I feel they're just distractions and the problem is still there. So my thinking goes like this, "why should I do this because I know I'm going to feel the same". I also feel the sluggishness. And I think it's because the thoughts tell me why bother. There's nothing to look forward to. The things I "should be" looking forward to, I don't.
The only "pleasures" are as NotTooShabby pointed out seem to be incidental distractions even if they are of unpleasant nature for me. Something that needs to be taken care of, for example. Sometimes I will purposefully create a situation, e.g. inviting a friend to dinner. Honestly, I don't want to. I don't think, for example, he's such a good friend. But I know it'll distract me with cooking and having some wine (which will take edge off the anxiety), so I do it.
It's the feeling of sameness and lackluster world, and no matter what I think of, I feel doomed.
I too push people away. Mainly because I don't know what I am any more myself and everything seems so negative. I'm no longer sure how to present myself, act, talk about myself. For example, if they ask me how is the job or what did you do this week, etc. I hate it all. So I have to make it all up.
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