and it rarely generates a positive emotion within me.

I just noticed this.

What do I feel when I think about love or loving? Sadness! I always associate love with sadness! Of course, there are other emotions that arise with it, but the most powerful feeling overall is sadness.

How sad!

No wonder I am such a hard-hearted person! Why on earth would I ever want to "feel" love (and loved) when all it does is bring with it such a painful sensation?

If I have been trying to avoid being sad most of my life, I have been avoiding loving and being loved as well. No wonder I am so lonely. No wonder I keep isolated. No wonder I keep swinging back and forth so violently when "love" is the issue. And it is always the issue because "love" plays a role in EVERYTHING one thinks, does, says, feels...right?

I don't exactly know where to go with this epiphany. It seems to be so elementary a thought, I wonder why I could not see it so clearly as I do now.

So, now I am wondering - are all my problems based on this one fact - that I avoid (and have always avoided) the very thing that makes life worth while? Is this the true source of my mental illness?


Altered State