I have this overwhelming urge to od tonight. I will not go to a hospital. Period. It's why I haven't contacted my T, because I know that's what she would recommend. I don't intend to kill myself, and I won't take all of those pills. But i've taken a few. What does it mean when you don't want to die but play this game - this sort of russian roulette of 'how many can I get away with'? I don't see myself taking another one and if push comes to shove i'll flush the pills as i've done that before. I've OD'd in the past in a legitimate attempt to kill myself and had no medical treatment or anything. So, I know i'm not going to die. I guess thats why I don't fear taking them. But I know not to take the whole bottle. I just need to find the will to stop. I'm not really asking for support, or help because again, I will not (I know myself well) take the whole bottle. I just want to know why I'm doing this so I can find the will to stop it. This doesn't even make sense. Everything seems to be going so well, why am I trying to ruin it? I just explained to T last session (a few days ago) that I'm not suicidal, or depressed. She said I sound lonely and am withdrawing. I told her I don't feel like that, I just don't want to be around people. I told her that I felt like I'm "done" with life (in a non suicidal way). Like....i'm just waiting for the party to end so I can go home. I made the decision like a month ago not to kill myself so if I did take the bottle (100% chance I won't) I would get help but thats not an issue. The issue is why did I take any of the pills in the first place?