I am sorry that life is becoming so dark and stressful for you right now. It is great that you have a friend who has been there for you! Have you been going to a T at all? Just wondering if you have a connection with them at all, or if you've been sharing your struggles with your friend?

If you don't have a T, get one & share how you're honestly feeling with them. If you do have a T, but don't feel the respect and trust, then perhaps now is the time to look for a better connection. In my humble opinion, you ought to be able to share anything with your T & still feel safe in life.

Sideblinded has some real wise and helpful comments, so I won't bother repeating them... but, I do want to encourage you to really reach out for help when you need it. I go into times where SI (suicidal ideation & impulses) become amplified. The more attention that I give to these ideas, the worse that I feel. Distracting myself works great though & puts me into more clear-thinking state of mind.

There are literally hundreds of pleasant activities that we can do, to get us through the darkness. Taking a bubble bath; Collecting things (shells, rocks, leaves, coins...); Going to a movie; Jogging or walking; Listening to music (especially opposite emotion!; Going to the beach or mountains; Arranging flowers; Flying a kite; Repairing things; Practicing yoga, karate, or judo; and so on!

(((hugs))) to you!