I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Things can turn around. They did for me and I had given up on ever feeling better again.
PS: I still miss my grandparents and parents, especially, here at Christmas.
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Bipolar I, Depression, GAD Meds: Zoloft, Zyprexa, Ritalin
"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha