Depression is really taking a hold and sad thing is I hide it enough no one seems to really know. Or maybe it just isn't any longer important.

Maybe it is just better that way.

This time of year is so hard, getting harder with each passing day. I laid awake for a long time last night, unable to close my eyes for the fear all around me and the memories shaking me to the core.

Tears streamed across my face in the darkness, the same place they streamed so many times, if at all, except within where they were safe and unknown.

Feeling forgotten, like no one sees or knows that I am feeling anything at all. Have I really learned to hide it so well that no one knows?

Have I really pushed away so much that the silence speaks only to me and those within?

Maybe words for me have stopped, like I don't deserve them as I have always felt I didn't and was told.

Fear, anxiety, and hurt are all mangled together, and I don't know where to turn, and I fear reaching out. Sometimes I wonder if my life means anything at all but trouble.

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I just am scared and I hurt.

I hate this time of year. The joy of it never reached me, even as a child. Too much fear and hurt to know what joy ever was supposed to really be.

And when you don't know or understand as a child, it is hard to ever really understand it now. Or at least for us.

So many within are still that child, afraid to feel anything at all but what she has always known......fear, rejection, unimportant, unloved, and above all hated for even being, except for what they wanted....

...a nothing to do whatever they wanted to and be expected to be strong just to prove you could, just to make it out alive. And alive is what we accomplished, but at what cost to ourselves and to the world around us?

Depression sometimes speaks the loudest in the silence of the night......and it holds us hostage to all that the night and we know.................still...........

dps