this makes me really sad to read this. I experienced this holiday after holiday. this has always been the worst time of year for me. especially new years. I couldn't bear to face another year of this awful life. but what makes me sadder, is that I don't feel this anymore. it seems I have come to an acceptance of this is just how life is for me. the word that stands out for me is joy. I have absolutely no knowledge of how to experience joy. I fear joy because if I get even a shred of it, I know it is going to be ripped away from me. so I just make the best of this joyless life and I just don't think about it anymore.