Hi constellation, you know if this bit is true: "I am perfectly fine but pretending that something is wrong with me" then just the fact to start with, that you've seen recognised it is great!!! It really is!!!
That can seriously empower you to start on the steps to making the changes to be more the person you want to be. Of course making changes can be really tough, it can take a lot, and support (sometimes a lot of support!!) along the way but it is one **** of a start in "just" seeing where you are and where you want to be!!! So good on you!!!!!
And absolutely build on seeing/acknowledging your good qualities too!!!!
But you know what, I'd say that just from how hard you're being on yourself, that there are things wrong for you.......you are "hurting"........it's not "pretending", and it's not your "fault"
And "the worst kind of existing person"..........I am just not buying!!!
Stuff like "selfish" could be reason for that, right e.g. self protection, not feeling other people really care about you, finding it hard to care about yourself let alone others...........wanting attention e.g. wanting/needing someone to notice you when you feel unnoticable, trying to fill a gap..........staying idle e.g feeling things are pointless, just not having the energy/motivation/caring to even think about trying to do things...........pitiful/a crybaby says to me instead that you're really struggling with feelings..............
I could go on with the list............but you're getting what I mean???
So.............maybe depression??? And you can get help with that, it can get better.
Please give yourself a break, depression isn't something we make up, it is very real, and you deserve support with it. It is not your fault!!!
So.........here's hoping either the first or the second part of this made sense/helped just a tiny bit............???

Alison